Jan 23, 2020
Barb Green, Parish Nurse
Milton, WI
When someone is struggling we want to help but may be afraid of saying the wrong thing, so we remain silent. Knowing what to say can be difficult—but it doesn’t have to be. Active Minds (activeminds.org) presents a three-step model which you may find useful. The steps are Validate, Appreciate, and Refer.
Validate looks like this: When a friend confides in you that they are struggling, validate their feelings and appreciate the courage it took them to share. Tell them what they are feeling is okay and you believe them. Validation may sound like this: “That sounds difficult.” “That makes sense.” “I’m sorry you are struggling right now.” “I’m grateful you told me.”
Appreciate their courage looks like this: Speaking up is a challenging step—let them know it’s a good one. Show you are there to support them. Appreciation and affirmation sounds like: “Thanks for sharing.” “You are not alone.” “I’m here for you.”
Refer looks like this: Sometimes, what a person needs is someone to listen, but at other times they may need more. You can help refer your friend to skills and support. Refer sounds like this: “Sometimes taking time for self-care and listening to a comedy podcast help me; can we do that together?” “I’ve been using this meditation app. It’s really helped me slow down my thoughts.” “I think it might be helpful to talk to someone. I can stay with you while we call/text a hotline.” “Do you want a distraction for a while? Maybe a walk?”
Some things you might hear a person say that suggest they may need support include: “I’m just having a hard time lately.” “It’s hard to get going with my day some-times.” “I’m really stressed out.” “I’ve been feeling really anxious lately.” “I’m really feeling overwhelmed.”
If someone is struggling let them know that their feelings are real and that it is not their fault for feeling this way. No matter what their brain is telling them, they will not be bothering others by reaching out. That is a sign of strength.
When someone confides in you, you have the privilege to help. Your concern, words, questions, hugs can save a life. But helping someone experiencing mental health-related difficulties is challenging, awkward, and uncomfortable. We are not taught to deal with these things, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t reach out.
Ask how you can help. Not just, “Let me know if you need anything,” but, “Is there anything I can help with?” Giving specific suggestions gives them choices.
Remind them that they rock. Mental health issues can make you forget your self-worth, so having external affirmations can help.
Thank them for sharing. Being vulnerable is scary and requires a leap of faith. Knowing you appreciate their confidence helps reduce feelings of being a bother.
Have patience. Many mental health issues are treatable but it could take months or years for someone to recover. To be supportive means to stick around and continue checking in.
Practice self-care. It can get weary to constantly be there for someone who is struggling. Establish boundaries, remind yourself it is not your job to “fix” them or make them happy. Although you may be frustrated that you are not doing enough, at the end of the day, it is not your personal battle. You cannot run the marathon for them, but you can offer support by handing them towels (or tissues) from the sideline.
Listening, accepting, connecting—you could make all the difference in the world.
—Adapted from activeminds.org