God is Making Me Stronger

by Onnah Bink

Berlin SDB Church, NY

 

My life has been pretty far from what I have expected these past few months. I have gone through some good things and some bad things. My life has literally been a roller coaster ride with a bandana around my eyes; up and down — but you never know which one will come next.

Way back when, I would have rather tried doing things by myself. I would rather kept everything to myself instead of asking someone for prayer or just to listen to me. Honestly, I had always thought that asking for prayer or praying was a sign of weakness and I could do everything that I thought I could do, by myself. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about what was going on because I did not want to be a burden; they had their own issues to deal with and they did not need to worry about me. I kept to myself and when people tried talking to me I would build my walls so high that there was no hope of anyone tearing them down. I thought I was doing awesome on my own — but God wasn’t the biggest fan.

The past few months, I have had such a hard time: from feeling alone to not feeling good enough for anything or anyone. I had lost all hope in my future and my life. I did not think anyone deserved to go through what I was going through. I was having a hard time thinking that anything was going to get better. Everyone else had already gotten over the month- long pain, but I was still dealing with pain that had been there for much longer. I thought it was unfair to me. I felt that God had forgotten about me and I was jealous that everyone else seemed to be figuring things out. I was frustrated to say the least. That was when I randomly looked up a daily Bible verse on line and it read, “Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy” (John 16:20). This verse was an eye-opener. I started reading my Bible, I started praying hourly, and I started reading devotionals. This verse gave me the hope that I had been longing for for months. It restored my faith. It was just what I needed to hear that day and there was no doubt in my brain that God had led me to that exact verse that day. I started smiling again. I started laughing again. I let God’s joy run through me. I accepted the fact that I needed Him and I couldn’t do anything by myself.

I am not saying that my life is now perfect. I still have my doubts at times. I still wonder why I am not as happy as the others. I still wonder why God would ever let me get this low. But now I know that God is just making me stronger. He is building my faith every single day. Every day I have to repeat to myself that

my grief will someday turn into joy that I could have never imagined possible. I cannot imagine trying to handle life without Him at this point. I cannot imagine going through every single day keeping every single thought and feeling I have to myself. I cannot imagine not asking people for prayer when I am having a bad day or when I am feeling doubty (I know, I know, it is not a word, but I like it there). I am still working on keeping my walls down and not being fearful. I am so much closer to God than I ever thought I would be and that would be impossible without Him. I have learned that God does not ever forget about us, and His timing is not our own. And for that I am forever thankful.

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